Lately I have been feeling a little sorry for myself.
I am getting to the point of counting as VERY LARGE with Martian. Husbink is revising so hard for his upcoming exams alongside working long hours at a hospital over an hour away that the only help he can give me is about an hour to lie in on a Sunday morning and doing bathtime with Diddy G on the evenings he happens to be home in time (currently not very many.) Diddy G is absolutely amazing, extremely fun and increasingly funny too. But. He's very hard work, I feel like i'm letting him down a lot of the time when I simply don't have the energy for a bit of Quality Parenting and if we have all day together without any respite, I often lose it with him around bedtime and have no patience with the tantrums that are after all part of being a toddler. We make up very fast usually but I still feel completely hideous for shouting at him when he won't brush his teeth/lie down for his nappy/stay still/come here.......
So I've been feeling a bit...exhausted...by all that. And then a few weeks back there was a teeny tiny straw that broke the camel's back of any sense of perspective that I might have had left. A very good friend said something along the lines of "Ooh, Husbink's home for the weekend isn't he? Hope you have some lovely family time and do lots of nice things." I saw Husbink for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I saw Husbink as I made my way up the stairs to bed and he made his way down the stairs to unwind after finally finishing revising. I saw Husbink plenty while I failed to sleep overnight and he slept deeply (and noisily...). That's it. That's our weekend of lovely family time.
So I've been having this lengthy pity party and getting cross with everyone who just doesn't get it. I have the odd moment of clarity and realise that i'm sure there is plenty I don't get about other people's situations and I can't assume that all is easy with them. The clarity doesn't make me feel particularly less sorry for myself but at least less grumpy with everyone else!
It all means that we're into mega countdown time. To the exam. The the due date. To the date Martian actually arrives (a little tricky to count down to!). To the date we find out the exam result... Not a way I like to live but sometimes it just happens. I'll get back to "the moment" soon enough I hope!
Strokey knees
ReplyDeleteOh I totally understand the feelings (obviously being without husband, pregnancy and child I cannot imagine the actual situation!). Sometimes, extreme exhaustion and the inability to function as you are a) used to b) would like to aim at, just makes you extremely crotchety, emotional and it just feels like you are on your knees aiming at mere survival. Chin up lovely, it will get easier- it might be a very long time, but it will eventually. You are doing a great job-just managing a small child whilst being pregnant is a huge achievement, especially when your husband is obviously working so hard. Hope that he does well in his exams!
ReplyDeleteAnd about everyone else's situations- whatever situation YOU are experiencing is hard for YOU, situations are all relative- you might think it seems insignificant compared to someone else's situation, but that doesn't make it any easier for you, does it. I feel similar at the end of term after reports, school concerts etc- it may seem insignificant to other people, but for me that's hard! Sending you hugs!
Ooh, that does sound hard. Not having experienced anything like it I can't know how hard it can be but can also imagine myself making some inane, jolly comment like your friend made without understanding the situation. We never truly understand what other people are going through and their lives can seem so different from the outside.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't help right now but this will probably be the period that you look back on and think "Wow, I can't believe we got through that!" But you will x